"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two... "
-Sir Norman Wisdom
"One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money."
-Edgar Watson Howe
"A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success! "
"A harmful truth is always better then...a useful lie! "
" When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me."
" I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y'. "
"We spend the first twelve months of our children's liv! es teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up."
" Laughter is the closest distance between two people. "
"Start every day with a smile and get it over with. "
" Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else."
"Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day. "
" Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison."
"If you never want to see a man again, say, 'I love you, I want to marry you. I want to have children...' - they leave skid marks. "
" I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. "
" Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't."
"Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out of it alive. "
"Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. "
" In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out."
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. " -Henry Youngman
"Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born ? "